It is my goal today to help people to identify and deal with passive aggressive behaviors within our communities and ourselves. I would like to emphasize at the beginning of this article that my experiences with this come from literally hundreds of people that I have come into contact with either online or in person over the past 40+ years as well as my own behaviors. With this said let’s continue…
The first and most important thing to understand is the amount of damage that passive aggressive behavior does and that it is a form of “abuse”. To be specific it is a form of mental, emotional and energetic abuse. Calling it for what it is is extremely important, so we can all begin to understand and accept the serious nature of this problem. Now after saying this I would like acknowledge that I have been guilty of this abusive behavior as well as everyone else at one point or another. It is also important to add and acknowledge that this form of abuse exists everywhere and probably always will on some level.
The only way for people to defeat this ugly monster in their closet is to understand why it’s there. As I said before we are all guilty of this and even though we know it’s wrong we keep doing it. So, why? Often times the most passive aggressive people are the ones that have been the most severely abused by others usually since young childhood. Most people like this were taught at a young age that if we directly fought back against those who were abusing us we could get seriously hurt. Passive aggressive behaviors develop as a means to an end. The “end” goal is to find a compromise that allows us to express our emotions without another person causing us harm. It has truly developed as a survival method for the emotional part of our being. This is why I say that it is something that will probably never totally go away, but it definitely needs to be strictly regulated.
In all reality we need to choose a different road rather than passive or aggressive or passive aggressive. We instead need to be direct and truthful and accountable for how we choose to express our emotions. In the past 20+ years I have read countless articles and comments and memes from hundreds of people absolutely filled to the brim with passive aggressive undertones and even some aggressive overtones. Since the creation of the Internet and the ability to speak to people without facing them directly the world has developed a horrible passive aggressive problem. The Internet has made it easy for all people to let this little monster out of their closet. The current lack of laws and legislation for this problem has made the world believe that there are no real consequences to these actions.
A big red flag that anyone can look for on the Internet while reading is the use of the word “you” and its context. If the word “you” is used in the correct context it has no harmful effect, but when used in a passive aggressive way it is like taking a sword to an unarmed opponent. The word “you” is often used to point a big passive aggressive finger at people. When used in this context it shows how a persons writings can go from the more productive educational generalizations of their life’s events to the emotionally wounded passive aggressive place inside themselves. When a person chooses to express themselves first in a productive way then in a destructive way and back again in the same writing then this is called a bait and switch. When this occurs their abusive passive aggressive behaviors can clearly be seen by the world.
This behavior is so ingrained in some people that when they do this it can comes from an unconscious place where they won’t allow themselves conscious recognition for their actions or a sense of accountability. Unconscious passive aggressive behaviors can be the most hurtful and dangerous and can result in what I like to call verbal diarrhea episodes. I myself have done this and I have over the years tried to understand that when I have done this that it comes from a deeply wounded place inside caused by years of severe abuse. While this is not an excuse for my actions… Those moments have taught me that I need to consciously acknowledge my past traumas and my past destructive survival behaviors I learned, so that I can deal with them and heal and no longer hurt myself or others with my behaviors.
A more subtle form of passive aggressive can occur in person and online with what I call “saying something without saying something”. Typically I have a tendency these days to communicate directly with people and an example of this might be, “I used to do this… and I see you’re doing this as well… and this is how I solved my problem, so maybe if you try this it could help.” The passive aggressive person will not come at you in a direct method they will use all kinds of side streets to hit their target. A persons major goal behind passive aggressive behavior is to gain a sense of control or superiority against someone or something that they perceive as hurting or threatening them. As an empath I understand that learning the practice of energetic shielding and how to be honest with oneself about the origins and motivations behind our actions is the best way to prevent these negative energies from affecting us and others. Directly stating what you think about what you see in a non-abusive way along with helpful suggestions that comes from our life experiences is the best way to communicate.
I also try to keep in mind that the other person has to be ready to hear what is being communicated to them and that maybe I should ask if they are before I speak. It is my belief as a healer that my first action should be to acknowledge that the other person wishes should be respected before my want to speak. Starting out with something like, “I have a message that I would like to share about… If you are ready to hear it I would like to share it with you and if you’re not that’s OK too.” By letting people know right away that l respect them and acknowledge that they have a right to not hear what I want to say is very important. It is something that I do to show them respect and to remove my ego from the situation. Respect is something that must be proven through our actions so that others will know that what we say comes from a place of unconditional love and healing.
Passive aggressive behaviors can be so destructive and I would love for all of us to start taking this type of abuse seriously. It is time for all of us to pull this ugly little monster out of the closet and start trying to slay it. If we use the word “abuse” in reference to it I think all of us can start seeing and understanding the importance of dealing with the passive aggressive problem. The fact is that it is a form of mental, emotional, and energetic abuse. In order to do this we must start accepting our accountability for the fact that our words hold power and that this power takes on a physical form. Just like the fist of a physical abuser we all have used passive aggressiveness to beat down other people. Through my experiences I have gained this understanding and now I am trying to be truly responsible for my words and their power. It is my goal to try to be direct and authentic with people while still respecting their rights and sacredness. It is my wish to acknowledge that they have a right to say “NO” to me and that they don’t have to hear what I want to say.
In a world full of reality television and social media we’ve all gotten too used to passive aggressive behaviors. We have all loved to watch drama filled chaos, that is until it takes a hold in our own lives. A fear of intimacy and the inability to trust is the nest in which the passive aggressive egg gets laid. When I cracked open my own passive aggressive egg that I had laid it was then that I realized it was rotten and full of bad behaviors that needed to be throw out. Now that I have made the choice to communicate directly and not indirectly I feel as though my authentic healing voice has been set free. It was my discovery that absolute honesty with myself and others along with self forgiveness was the only way that I could escape the passive aggressive trap.
A goal for myself is to monitor what I share verbally either in person or through my writings. I also acknowledge that it will take me a while to master this skill set completely. I also acknowledge that I’m going to fail at points and that I will need to correct myself and apologize to people when necessary. This is me being accountable for myself and for the energy that I put out into the world. It is my goal to have my words come from a higher source and not just from knee-jerk reactions to past traumas or from my own wounded ego. I am a healer, and first and foremost I must heal myself and then it is my responsibility to share that wisdom with those that wish to listen. If you’re one of those listening then I hope my hard won wisdom helps.
Until next time Namaste!
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