During the month of October of this last year I made a very crucial decision for myself and that was to let go of my association with a certain group of people. The reasons for this are vast and varied and some are simple and some are complicated. What it really boils down to in the most simplest terms is that I needed to make a choice about what was best for myself and what is still best for myself is to work on my own healing and to not involve myself in anything that would slow or stop my progress in this area. After extensive thought over the last three years and many progresses and regresses I have finally come to terms with moving into my future and leaving a large chunk of my past in the past.
Just recently in the last month I decided to revisit my decisions that I had made in October by communicating with various people from this group. Looking back at my actions I have now realized that this was a move of regression rather than a move towards progress. Yet, I feel that it was a necessary regression to remind myself of why I am moving forward and to point out to myself some of my own self sabotaging behaviors. It is the old idea that we take two steps forward and one step back and I feel that’s what has occurred in this situation, but not in a futile way.
Since October I’ve made some drastic leaps and bounds in myself that deeply affect my mind, body, spirit and emotions. In October when I let spiritually go of these people I progressed extremely quickly and maybe too quickly for myself mentally and emotionally. The regression in this instance I think is so that my brain and my heart could catch up to what my spiritual instincts were telling me to do. I also think that I needed to deal with my demons of self sabotage and really start to understand and accept where that action comes from within myself.
I have suspected that it may come from a place where I fear failure, which I know many people have problem with. Yet upon further introspection I am wondering if this fear of failure may actually be a fear of success. Looking back over my life I now realize that I had at some point become accustom to living with struggle and strife and failure and believing that this type of existence all the time was normal.
This thought process reminds me of the idea that it is easier to live with the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. With this last moment of regression and understanding I feel as though my brain and heart are finally catching up to the idea that my life doesn’t have to be a no-win scenario. In all honesty my life in the last year has had many, many successes. To be honest it has been a shock for me to live in the amazing environment that I do now and I must admit that it is extremely far removed from what I once had.
Once again after gaining this insight I have decided to start taking more steps forward and if in the future I take any steps back I plan to do as I did this time and try to understand the meaning behind my own actions. Interestingly enough my ability to understand myself in this way has caused me to be less afraid of success and I find myself becoming excited about what lies around the corner. This period of self realization has helped me understand that my life no longer has to be one traumatizing event after the other.
The reality is that since I let myself have this period of understanding I have managed to change the way I view my life and accept that my life can actually be an amazing adventure. Lastly today I want to l leave you with the idea that your life can be an amazing journey and adventure if you wish to be as long as you keep moving forward. After my various realizations I must admit that my fear has been replaced with excitement and anticipation and the confusion I once had has disappeared into the past, because I’m now living in the present and looking forward to the future.
Until next time…
Namaste!
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