Seeing the Red Flags of Dysfunctional Religious Leaders and Communities

Recently I was inspired to create this list based on my experiences with religious group’s members and their leaders over the last 22 years of my spiritual practice. My goal in creating this list is to remove the facade which these abusive and dysfunctional group’s members and their leaders hide behind. I’m sure that everyone out there could probably add to this list, but these are the red flags that I have learned about over the years and that have become cemented within me in the last three years. Hopefully this hard won wisdom of mine will benefit anyone reading it and hopefully prevent them from getting involved with any group’s abusive members and or leaders.

1. Hypocritical behaviors are present such as, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.”
2. No consequences for members and or group leaders abusive actions or no plainly stated list which defines what is an acceptable “code of conduct” for everyone’s behaviors as well as a list of consequences for not following these rules.
3. Any time money is being used by members and or leaders to buy people’s loyalty or to emotional blackmail their way into a higher position within the group or is used to force individuals into actions that they desire.
4. The presence of rules and or bylaws that are obviously not followed by members or leaders and are not being enforced or that are not made publicly accessible for review.
5. Favoritism behaviors such as the group’s leaders or board members or long term members creating an inner circle “clique” that gives the members of the inner circle certain privileges that new members do not get and exclude new members from truly being apart of the group or from advancing within the group.
6. Members and or leaders that ostracize people that come into the group that ask “Why is this allowed?” questions about certain members dysfunctional behaviors and or overall serious group problems.
7. The presence of consistent gossip and slander behaviors by members and or leaders of either past or present members for the goals of either entertainment and or discrediting them by destroying their reputation.
8. The presence of jealousy, over competitiveness and or possessiveness to the point where established members and or leaders exclude new members from their friendship circles for fear of a loss of their control over those members.
9. The presence of members and or leaders that are truly not capable of walking their talk, so in other words they know exactly how to sound functional and can appear so for a brief period of time, but then all at once when they can no longer sustain this lie their mask falls away to expose the ugly narcissist they really are underneath.
10. Anytime there is a history of sexual misconduct or any form of predatorial behavior by members and or leaders being allowed without consequences or letting those people who have behaved in this way in the past stay within the group.
11. Creating a “lack of transparency” by members and or leaders by having secret or off the record meetings or conversations to make decisions that will effect the entire group or a single member in order to hide their disreputable intentions from everyone.
12. The presence of any “conflicts of interest” especially when members and or leaders that have a conflict with another member and are allowed a voice and a deciding vote on what form of action is going to be taken against that member for supposed behaviors.
13. Last but not least never trust any individual, group member or group leader that would cast a judgment upon anyone without first allowing that individual the right to their own self-defense.

Unfortunately it can take a bit of time to see some of these red flags, but I have found the quickest way to see the major ones is just to simply ask the tough questions to the long term membership and leaders about the problems that you observe going on within the group. I warn you though if you’re going to do this be prepared for the backlash that will occur if the group and its leaders are dysfunctional and abusive. Make sure you have an exit strategy to get out of the group safely and quickly with as little hassle and drama as possible.

I also recommend taking a friend to stay safe and so that you have a reliable witness to the behavior of others in case you should need one in the future. The reality is that any truly balanced and functional group will never be intimidated by you asking any questions and so that’s why I recommend asking questions and challenging certain situations and seeing what the reaction is, but if you do this do it with a great deal of caution and planning. In the end please stay safe.